Shocking News from My Home Town

Tonight my dad casually mentioned that he would no longer be willing to take the Two Cent Bridge, a footbridge he used to cross when he walked to work from my childhood home, on account of "someone pooping on it."  

The scene of the crime

I assure you that we stumbled onto the topic of the Two Cent Bridge naturally, as we were discussing work schedules and how he had a shorter commute before my parents moved several years ago.  He slipped the pooping reference in quickly and the only reason he didn't continue with his end of the conversation was that I screamed, "WHAT?!?!" at the top of my lungs when he dropped the outrageous bridge news.  He was sure he had told me about poop-gate, but he must have told The Dude or someone else because this was a shocking and hilarious revelation to me.  I started laughing uncontrollably as he instructed me to "Google 'defecation' plus 'Two Cent Bridge'. . . plus 'Morning Sentinel.'"  (The Sentinel is our hometown paper.)  I was laughing so hard as I searched for the story that my dad reported to my mum, "She just snorted twelve times in a row."  My mother sometimes succumbs to uncontrollable fits of laughter and I realized tonight that I may have inherited that trait as I nearly gave myself an asthma attack laughing so hard.  Anyhow, my dad's search parameters led me to this gem:

"Human feces cleanup on Waterville’s Two Cent Bridge highlights upkeep questions"

For those who are short on time, I will summarize:  A concerned citizen reported human feces on a footbridge and could not interest a single soul in picking up the mess.  He ultimately took care of the problem himself by filling a bucket with river water (now only 90% human feces!) and washing off the contaminated area.  I don't know if this man is a hero or a lunatic, but his story provided me with more entertainment than I could have ever hoped for the low, low cost of zero dollars.  Seriously, I enjoyed The Book of Mormon a great deal, but I laughed so much harder at this story.  Here are a few of my favorite tidbits from the article:

the waste, which included toilet paper

The pooping bandit brought TP.  I mean, he (or she) isn't an animal!

Municipal officials from both sides of the river said Thursday that they haven’t been asked to clean human filth from the bridge before.Winslow Public Works Director Paul Fongemie said that in his three years with the town he’s never been asked to clean or maintain the bridge.“If the town manager called and said, ‘Hey, there’s poop on the bridge and we want you to go clean it up,’ I guess we would, but no one’s ever said that to me before,” he said.

No one has ever said that to you yet, Mr. Fongemie.  Now that he has publicly announced his willingness to squeegee human waste from the Two Cent Bridge, the calls will start rolling in.

“I’m not going to have officers go and pick that up,” Massey said. “We’re certainly not going to send uniformed officers down to do that.”

What use are our boys (and gals) in blue if they won't properly dispose of a deuce on a bridge?  I can't think of any better reason to call 911.


When The Dude and I were little, we used to take the Two Cent Bridge with our mum to watch the fireworks on the fourth of July.  After some bridge shenanigans on Independence Day 1989,  the fireworks were permanently moved to a different location in the 04901.  While I was still on the phone with my dad tonight, I lamented the fact that I do not have a vintage photo of us on the bridge to add to this post.  I offered The Boss ten whole dollars to go have his photo taken on the bridge for the sake of his children's blog.  He declined, but I am upping the ante.  I am now willing to pay $20 for a shot of him on the Two Cent Bridge holding up a roll of toilet paper and grinning.